full image - Repost: Partner said he would clock me- need advice on partner violence (from Reddit.com, Partner said he would clock me- need advice on partner violence)
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I'm gonna be completely honest. I REALLY need honest advice because I don't have any women in my life who experienced DV and I know very little about it.My husband cheated on me a year ago when my son was 1 month old with a prostitute and lied to my face about it and continued pornography use countless times since then. We are all alone in Florida with no friends or family and I don't even have my own car. I have developed hypothyroid and have suffered tremendous hormone imbalance as a result. I miscarried 4 months ago due to the condition and didn't get my period back - also because of the condition. I just got my period back a week ago, and I was having the most horrible symptoms from the hormones being out of whack- vomiting, crazy mood swings, etc. So, he denies this, but I thought I saw him doing something we had explicitly agreed not to do. And, even if he wasn't doing it, he has been openly caught defying my boundaries and our agreements so many times it has literally driven me insane, so I just couldn't take it. My hormones went insane and I was screaming telling him to come upstairs and away from the bad situation downstairs I didn't want him in. He wouldn't come and I slapped him in the face. I told you I'd be very honest. My behavior was incredibly aggressive and not okay. I am aware of this. I still want to know if I'm gonna get killed by this man one day.He got up and shoved me into the wall, arm on my throat choking me, he stopped choking me pretty quickly (he says later he didn't mean to choke me and didn't wanna hurt my throat so he removed his arm when he realized that) but my throat was damaged and sore and red for a few days. We went upstairs and I was getting my stuff to leave with our one year old son in his stroller, he started grabbing the stroller and saying I couldn't take him, I bit his arm (I Know, I was insane) and he threw me into the wall again, shoved his arm onto my chest and told me I could clock you right now. Something like that. We've gotten into 3 physical fights with pushing and me banging his arm, and he's never said anything about punching me. He told me later he could've punched me in the face, and was even having tormenting thoughts later about killing me and then himself, but he didn't believe those were his thoughts because he didn't really want to do that. I do believe in invasive thoughts but still, kinda scary.We also own a gun. I hid it when he was out of the apartment in the middle of our fight.Listen, I know I was abusive, very abusive to him. I know I need to never do that again. He has never put his hands on me unless I did first, with the exception of the very first time he shoved me onto a bed, when I was walking towards him angry, he says he felt threatened. I had no intention of touching him at that time. We were married a month. The second time he wouldn't leave me room, I was screaming begging him to leave, and I ended up pushing him and he stepped back a few steps, then threw me as hard he could onto the bed, got on top of me, choked me for a second, and squeezed my arms to the point of bruising. The third time, he disrespected my boundaries, I lost my crap, and punched him in the arm. He grabbed my arm and wouldn't let go I was trying to leave, and I ended uop punching his arm many times, and putting my leg on his chest to try and push myself off of his grip. He got up grabbed me and threw me as hard as he could onto the couch, where I accidentally hit my spine directly on the wooden divider and had 5 months of severe lumbar pain and swelling and whiplash for a few weeks.I have been so incredibly angry and broken from his cheating and that's the only excuse I have for my crazy behavior, if you're wondering. Listen, I know I'm dead fucking wrong, I just have had the hardest fucking time. He to this day violates agreements and boundaries 8/10 times, and is just now starting to tell the truth after a year. He's terrified of rejection, and lies.This fight this week bruised my tailbone and elbow badly from hitting the wall, amongst other aches and pains. The thing that scares me the most is I could tell I came close to getting punched in the face. What do ya'll think about this- I'm looking for facts about partner violence/homicide, personal experiences, any wisdom?Also,he has acted violently when I haven’t touched him, but still never touched me. He has punched holes in almost all of our doors and in the wall (4 I can think of offhand) and often gets in my face and asks me if I wanna hit him or if I wanna “go” like if I want to fight him and I say no. He has hit our dog a few times in the butt out of anger or even light punches to the face :/ but nothing hard like No bleeding or yelping. Still sucks tho.
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