full image - Repost: just vent (from Reddit.com, just vent)
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I just need to get my thoughts out there. I'm tired. Im so tired and I feel like it won't ever get better. I'm an optimist and it's stupid because how the fuck do you combine all of those awful negative thoughts and self-harm urges with hope? I'm tired of being so stupid. I know I'm not as awful as I feel I am. I know that I am getting kinda better. But I'm so tired and my brain won't shut up. Today I woke up and wanted to go do something cool, maybe just walk or buy cookies, watch or read something without it being just escapism. But I didn't. I know that objectively I did make soup as I wanted and did eventually go buy cookies, but it didn't feel like a win at all. I hate how any day could be painted black by my mental state. I needed to choose where to go, but I couldn't. I was scared nauseous overwhelmed for no reason. I mostly stayed in bed again. Like all the days before, months, years. I know it's not all bad and I'm getting better, but I'm so tired. I don't really want to die anymore, only kind of, but I force myself not to think about it or I'll drown. But my wrists itch and all of this forced inaction makes me want to hurt myself. Why? I'm tired, lonely, self-destructive, terrified and passive. I hate myself so much that it feels like it's my defining trait, it's sure shaping all of my life. I try to defy it, accept it, logic my way out of it, argue, fight, ignore, cut it out. None of it works. I don't know what will, but I'm so tired. Sometimes l feel like there's nothing left of me but this self-hatred. Everything is okay and I'm not awful. I constantly think about hurting myself, but that's normal for me, nothing to be worried about. My thoughts are violently self-destructive and I keep them at bay by keeping myself as blank as possible. It will pass again, but I am so tired.
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