full image - Repost: I wish my mom died last year after her stroke (from Reddit.com, I wish my mom died last year after her stroke)
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Every time I (23f) have this thought I feel a bit guilty but I know that everything would be better if she weren’t here.My mother (41f) isn’t old but she had a stroke at the end of April 2021. For context, I haven’t lived with my mother in almost a decade because I needed to remove myself from the toxic and abusive environment. I felt guilty at the time for taking the opportunity and leaving my sisters, but it was the best choice for me at the end of the day. My strongest memories from childhood are being yelled at, or ignored for days and weeks on end. However, her SO (64m) was always much worse than her. These days, I can understand that she (having grown up on poverty herself, being an alcoholic and having kids as a teenager) was doing her best in her given circumstances but I don’t want to forgive her.I went to a free boarding school for low income kids to get away from everything. I went to college 750 miles away to get away. I managed to get s corporate job to support myself and I was excited to finally truly be free of any need from my biological family because everything was going alright for them too. I felt like they didn’t need me. Then, less than a week after my college graduation (my mom didn’t attend), my mom had a stroke. At 40 years old.She spent months in the ICU and specialty units of the hospital. She spent more months recovering at a medical nursing home. She had a trachea, she couldn’t breath or swallow on her own for a long time, she had a feeding tube. Doctors said they didn’t expect her to survive. They didn’t expect her to ever breath or eat on her own again. I drove through the night to be there (I live a few states away, again trying to get away) and so she would at least know that I appreciate her and she wouldn’t die alone.But six months later she was home.Now, she’s bed bound. She can’t move her right (dominant) side at all. She can’t use a toilet and has adult diapers. Her vocabulary is yes and no. Sometimes she messes those up. We can move her into a wheel chain so she can sit at the table but not much else. She watches the news and shows for hours. There is no quality of life. And I’m angry that I’ve been pulled back in.Her SO (not my father) was the one that promised to take care of her but now he avoids it at all costs. My sister (20f) gets paid to take care of her 40hours a week but is missing time with her own kids as a result. It’s so hard and I can’t stand visiting but I have to now. I don’t do anything for myself. I work, I drive 8hrs to visit and help take care of her, I go back to work.I keep thinking of the stats. How much easier it would have been if she died. 90% of women her age, who had the kind of stroke she did, die within 7 years. And I can’t imagine doing this for another decade if she defies those odds too. I’m happy she’s still alive but it’s just so much stress and physically hard too.She’s not the same person she was before, I know that but I’m mourning both her and her future physical death. Mostly I’m just mad that I can’t be selfish and my life is over before it could begin.
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